If you’re reading this, then I’m sorry.
Being cheated on is maybe one of the most difficult things anyone can go through. You feel betrayed, angry, sad maybe even worthless and depressed. But as bad as things feel right now, just know that this isn’t your fault – there are almost no good reasons to cheat in a marriage.
But now you’re lost and confused and you don’t know how to approach this situation. I’m going to tell you how to find out the truth and call them out.
Confronting a cheating spouse
I wish there was an easy answer to this question, but unfortunately, there really isn’t. I’d love to come up with a simple 3-step solution like I usually do, but with something as difficult and complex as this, there really is no exact blueprint.
Is your spouse really cheating?
But first things first, before moving forward on confronting your spouse, you need to be almost 100% sure that they are actually cheating. I know that doing this is really difficult, and again, there are no easy answers.
But what you definitely do not want to do is do anything that would invade your spouse’s privacy. So no hacking into their phones or email, no following them around, and no calling their friends to make sure they are where they say they are.
Snooping on your spouse
This kind of behaviour is not honest, and honesty is key to maintaining a happy marriage.
A marriage should be fundamentally built on trust – and if you get caught trying to snoop around in your spouse’s life, this trust will be broken and you will have an entirely different issue on your hands.
In order for you to be as sure as you can, here are some things to look for that will help you first find out if your spouse is in fact cheating.
1) Has your relationship declined?
Have you noticed that your spouse becoming more distant? Are they more apt to start fights? How often do you spend one on one time together?
If you’ve noticed any of this change, it may be an indicator that your spouse might be interested in someone else.
2) Have you observed any unusual behaviour?
One of the most telling signs that your spouse is cheating on you is how they treat their phone.
Have you noticed them fleeing to another room to answer phone calls?
Are they very secretive when it comes to texting?
When you ask them to use his or her phone, do they act strange?
If they’re freaking out about their privacy surrounding their phone, this could be a strong indicator that they may be unfaithful to you (or at least talking to someone that they shouldn’t be talking to).
3.) Watch your finances.
Has your spouse been spending a lot of money on something? If so, ask them about it.
It’s not rude or wrong to ask why your spouse has been spending so much lately. If their reasons for spending more seems off, this could be another indicator that they’re cheating.
4.) If your spouse isn’t with you, ask them where they are.
Again, it’s not rude to want to know where your spouse is. Write down where they are and when and try and connect the dots, is that place even open? Are they coming up with the same excuses all the time?
You might unearth some strange patterns by asking them this simple question.
Where is your spouse?
Warning: Even if these four conditions are satisfied, it doesn’t mean they are for sure cheating on you. But confirming that your spouse is behaving in a peculiar way is the first step to learning more about their potential infidelities.
Of course, there are other, more drastic ways to find out if your spouse is cheating. It’s not uncommon to hire a private investigator, but again, it’s tough to recommend.
This can be a huge betrayal whether or not they are cheating. If you’re feeling desperate, then this is a potential option to explore.
What’s your next step?
Now if you’re absolutely sure that your spouse is cheating on you (or you’re as sure as you can be), now comes the very difficult question of what to do about it. But before we get into it, we have to suss out your goals here first.
If you do find out that your spouse is indeed cheating, do you intend to stay with him or her?
Would you leave the marriage?
Are you 100% certain that whatever you decide to do is the correct course of action?
If you’re still reading then I’m going to assume that you’re wanting to confront your spouse about the cheating in such a way won’t burn any bridges, so that’s exactly what I’ll teach you today.
Now, I know this is going to be difficult, but first things first, I recommend that need to approach this with a calm mindset. I know, this is easier said than done. But you need to know that your spouse, when confronted, will act angry, defensive, and emotional at first.
They will probably lie, deny the infidelity, and tell you that you’re being crazy. And you have to be ready for this reaction and respond without escalating the situation.
Instead, know exactly what you’re going to say before entering the conversation, and expect a fiery response in turn. I also recommend talking in a non-accusatory tone of voice when speaking to your spouse.
As much evidence as you may have, there may always be a chance that there’s a misunderstanding. Give them a chance to prove you wrong.
Remember: all you want to know is the truth.
Don’t be overly aggressive, don’t yell, and don’t lash out and say anything that you’ll later regret. Do your best to keep your body language, voice, and emotions in check.
Catching them in a lie
But if you know your spouse is a good liar, it’s better to approach the situation in a more roundabout way. Right now, you have the upper hand. You know that something might be up. So instead of straight up accusing your spouse directly, try to ask questions to force them to lie about something.
Because once your spouse knows that you’re on to them, they’re going to take extra steps to conceal their behaviour and eventually if they’re sneaky enough, they’ll be able to cover their infidelity completely and you may never know the truth.
Husband being suspicious
So instead of jumping in with two feet, it’s best to go about this strategically.
For example, if your spouse said that they were at the pub last night, and you have a sneaking suspicion that they weren’t, ask them which pub they went to.
Then say your best friend was also there all night long too. After, observe how your spouse reacts. Do they begin to panic? Or are they calm?
If you catch them in a lie, this is the time to calmly accuse them of cheating. But if you’re unsure, then continue probing them.
Over a long period of time, you could also ask them the same questions over and over and see if they change their answers.
For example, if they’re staying long hours after work, keep asking them why they’re staying at the office late. And keep doing this once or twice a week and make note of what they say.
Liars tend to give long, drawn out explanations to conceal the truth. Often, their reasons and explanations may be inconsistent or flat out illogical. Over time, you’ll be able to build a stronger case before finally accusing them of cheating on you.
Finally, once you’ve built your case, calmly present them with the reasons why you know that they’re cheating.
Again, remember that they’re going to lash out in anger and deny everything. Instead of responding in kind, just show them the evidence. Once you both calm down, you can then talk to your spouse about why they cheated, and if it’s worth salvaging the relationship.
Make the hard choice
If your goal is to save your marriage, then the best way to recover and get over this ordeal is to ask all the questions you need to ask. You need to know why it happened and you need to calmly talk about how to prevent this from every happening to you again.
Of course, this may not be an option and you may very well indeed choose to end the marriage too. You need to decide for yourself if the marriage is worth saving or not.
Whatever you decide, think long and hard on what you want to do.
But I will say this: nobody deserves to be cheated on twice.
Again, there’s no sure-fire way to approach this situation, but the most important thing is that you find out the truth and move forward.